All right. Good afternoon. My name is Josh. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is 221 of 23, and my sponsor is Mike S. And to open up my talk today, I'd like to uh have you join me in the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. First, I'd like to thank Ryan and the rest of the very attractive, handsome committee for allowing me to uh not only one, just to think of me as somebody that might come up here and present any step, uh, but let alone uh a step that's you know very important to me, that holds a lot of weight to me, um, and that I struggled with, uh, that I still live with. And um it's a very uh you know, kind of how other speakers have said, it's it's an honor and a privilege to be up here. And for me, this is one of the greatest honors of my life today. So I appreciate it and thank you guys for that. So today I'm talking about step nine. Uh that step says, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. And uh thank you, Tom, for uh kind of leading the way into this step here. Um really, if there's anything that I want you to take away from my talk today, is the word courage. Um it's a word that I didn't understand, comprehend, wasn't in my dictionary of qualities that I had, you know, truthfully, up until probably this step. Um and in order to kind of do that, I do want to read from the 12 and 12, uh step nine, just a couple of passages here to kind of uh set myself up for the rest of this talk. And so step nine uh in the 12 and 12 says, Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence. These are qualities we shall need when we take step nine. After we have made the list of people we have harmed, we have reflected carefully upon each instance and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed. We will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can only make partial restitution, less complete disclosures do them or others, more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which, by the very nature of the situation, we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all. And I'm going to skip to the very last paragraph. Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequence of our past acts and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time is the very spirit of step nine. So for me, I uh I got sober right after I turned 24. And like Ryan said, um, obviously, not only one being a young guy in recovery and you're going to meetings with guys that look like Bill Check. Um it's uh it's uh it can be a little intimidating at first, right? Uh it can be a little intimidating at first, and you especially when you hear kind of um you know the fact that relapse has uh it does not discriminate, right? It can happen to anyone at any point in sobriety. And um up until step nine, I had my sponsor, I had you guys, I have God kind of directing me, guiding me, right next to me, attacking each one of these steps and each day of my sobriety. Truthfully living one day at a time. But now came the point where I have to go out into battle on my own. You know, I can't take my sponsor with me to go make these amends. Um and the truth of my story is that I was really, really good at saying I'm sorry the next morning after a complete disaster, to the point where my words no longer hold any value. You know, and one of my biggest fears is that even if I went and made amends, that they wouldn't believe a word I said, that they didn't think I would change or that I'm in a position that, oh, maybe this time Josh will actually not do the things that he's done. And with that came a lot of fear, a lot of insecurity, a lot of, man, is this even what I want to do? You know, do I delay it? Do I continue to delay it? I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. And on top of all of that, the people that I have harmed the most, I cannot go and make direct amends to. I'm dealing with felony charges, no contact orders, uh, my name plastered everywhere. Uh my ex-girlfriend and her entire family I can't make contact with. How do I make amends to those people? You know? And one of the biggest things uh that I take with me whenever I speak to a newcomer or whenever I speak to someone in A is is the importance of a sponsor. I mean, my sponsor's not here today, but without him, I could not have done any of these steps to the degree in which I did them. And ultimately, he told me, you know what, just do an easy, medium, hard to start off, right? So that's what I did. I had my list created, I went, I did an easy one, kind of get some, you know, uh confidence under my belt to a certain degree. And I was also about seven or eight months sober by the time I had made my first amends. And so to the point of being that I felt truthful about my sobriety this time around. Ultimately, I made all those amends, right, to those that I could, whether they be easy, medium, or hard, I scheduled them out, whether it be I went to someone's house or I took them out to dinner, or I did something where I said, Hey, look, I need about an hour or two of your time. And ultimately all it was was cleaning my side of the street, right? I'd call my sponsor before I did it, I'd pray about it, I'd call my sponsor after I did it, right? Because ultimately I'm still, again, very afraid of doing this on my own. And ultimately, um, from there came the hard one. How do I make amends to somebody that I can't legally speak to? You know, that never wants to speak to me again, that never wants to see me again. Um, in doing so, I wrote letters. Um, wrote letters to each person that I had harmed on in that party, let's say. And it was a it was a weird moment when you're you know writing out a seven-page letter and then you go to your sponsor's house and and you have to read that letter to him. Uh and um in that I I admitted things same as you know that step four and five kind of experience. I admitted things that I had never admitted to anyone before, right? I left some things out of my step four that I set them this time in my amends. And ultimately it was, yes, it was relieving, it was a weight off to a certain degree. Um, but it wasn't closure. You know, it wasn't the closure that I wanted, let's say that, right? Um and yeah, we we burned the letters after and we prayed about it, um, and we we talked about it, you know, cried. Uh I've never cried so much in my life, you know? And and that was hard. That was hard because at the same time it was still a reflection upon the harm that I had did that I had done, in which I can't even see this person face to face. One of the biggest amends I had to make was to myself. Like Tom said, we have to forgive ourselves. I struggled with that. I struggle with that. I have a feeling I'm probably gonna struggle with that for the rest of my life. Um, but that is where prayer and my higher power come into play. That's where you guys come into play. Um but then came the day at 18, uh 19 months sober. I went into an open open plea deal, uh, my sentencing date, in which I did get the chance to read a letter where um people of that party were in attendance, and to a certain degree it felt like, you know what, God, maybe this is the closure that that you um are going to give me, and I have to accept that. You know, I have to accept that maybe I'll never get to see these individuals face to face and and and and confront them because that's what I want, but that's not my choice to make, right? That is an acceptance piece that it says on the back, right? Nothing in God's world happens by mistake. And so that was a a tough, you know, a tough time, a tough uh moment to accept. But at the same time, that is what, in my opinion, courage was, right? Is I did the hard things. I did the things that I didn't want to do. There was a lot of fear walking into that courtroom, there was a lot of fear walking into my first amends, but ultimately I took God with me. God gave me courage, God gave me the wisdom, God gave me the strength to do that. On top of all of that, I made living amends as well, right? Made living amends that I would never harm someone in the way that I had harmed people in the past. I wouldn't harm someone in the way that I've, or put myself in situations where I could harm people. And that to me was the most serious aspect of my sobriety because to a certain degree that also meant, you know, Josh, the only way you're gonna harm, not the only way, but if you're really if you if you're gonna do it, go drink, right? And you'll you'll find a way to harm yourself or somebody else, right? And so that's the seriousness of my sobriety, is that there is a lot more to it than just don't pick up today, right? Um so after doing all of my amends, it didn't happen quickly, right? It didn't happen all in a month or two. Uh I still continue to find ways to make amends, right? At the end of the day, my word has to have value, right? There has to be action behind it. And the only action that there is is to continue to stay sober, continue to do the things that I've been told to do, continue to ask for guidance, continue to rely on men in this program, men and men and women, um, continue to pray, seek guidance, because at the end of the day, I don't have all the answers. Right? But one of the beautiful things about step nine as well is that it does come with the beautiful promises, you know, and albeit it's been a roller coaster, one of the lines says, you know, sometimes it happened quickly, sometimes it happened slowly. I would like to read them here as I begin to close. Um but the step nine promises say if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We're going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We'll not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. We'll comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We'll lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We'll suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Or these extravagant promises. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. That last line. They will always materialize if we work for them. Right? If there's anything I'd like for you to take away again, is that word courage, which the definition of it means the mental and moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty. It wasn't easy making any amends, it wasn't easy getting sober, it wasn't easy trusting God in any of these steps. But in doing so, I have found a new way of life, I have found new hope. I have found that faith without works is dead, and I have found that if I work for it, if I put in the work, it can materialize. My name is Josh, I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic.