My name's Ted. I'm an alcoholic. Before we get started, I um I'd like to share a true story that involves some of the men in this room. You know, we've been blessed that this retreat came to us from Cleveland, and uh some of the guys from Cleveland, uh, Tom and Larry and uh Bill were involved in this story. Um, you know, he's not a big, big guy, but Tom was walking by a bar across the street from the Ford plant over in Cleveland, and there was a sign out front that said, Help wanted, bouncer needed. Tom was looking for work, so he popped his head into the bar, and Larry McDonald was there as the bartender, and you know, Larry's got that great hair like Ted dancing from cheers. So Tom walks up to Larry and says, You know, I'm I'm interested in the job that's posted out front. And Larry looks him up and down and doesn't really think Tom's big enough to be able to handle himself. And Tom says, Well, you know, I I I'm actually kind of a tough guy. And Larry says, Really? We get these big burly guys that come across the street from the foundry, and uh, you know, you're gonna have to you're gonna have to handle yourself with these guys. And Tom says, I can do it, I can do it. And about that time, Bill checks, sitting down at the end of the bar, says, Larry, come here, come here. Larry wanders down to the end of the bar, and Bill says, What's that kid want? And Larry said, Well, he used to he's here about the bouncer job, but I don't think he could do it. And Larry said, or Bill said, that is one tough hombre. Larry said, Really? Yeah, he says, that kid is so tough that one time he got his arm caught in a wood chipper. He pulled his arm out, he stitched it up one stitch at a time. Larry goes, All right, pretty tough. So he walks down to the end of the bar and he says, All right, Tom, you're hired. Tom goes, All right. All right, if you'd help me start this with a moment of silence for the still-suffering alcoholic and their families, inside and outside these rooms, and uh and then we'll go with the serenity prayer. God. Miss Rendy, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. All right, my name's Ted Schurfik. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is March 17th, 2007. That is St. Patty's Day, which had nothing to do with why I quit drinking. Uh my home group is the Fishers Do Drop In 2 on Wednesday nights at Geist Christian Church. Uh my sponsor's name is Pete, and he has a sponsor named Joe Mack. Um, and I'm grateful to have a lot of men in my life that have helped keep me on the right path. So, my job today is to talk about the 12th step. And um, and I'm gonna read, I'm gonna read all the steps because I do think the words are important. But the 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. I um I have notes and stuff, and I'm gonna do the best I can. I I do first off want to thank um thank the committee uh for the honor of being able to participate in this weekend and thank the men that put this on uh and thank the other speakers who who uh who did a great job this weekend. Um and I also want to say a special thank you to Fatima. Um when I was 12 years old, I used to sit in the back seat of my mom's car waiting for my sister to get done washing dishes here. Um so I've been coming to Fatima for a long, long time, and and when I I heard about this retreat uh from some of the men in my home group, uh it just kind of hit me that there was there was maybe a reason it was at Fatima. Uh and those are those little God moments that kind of keep happening throughout my sobriety. Um I got this, I was I was on a golf trip with a friend who's who's in the rooms and um he was reading his daily reflection on his phone, and he gets a little text that came through and he read it to me. And you know, I did what I do at these weekends or just in my life. I I I saw he was doing something that was working for him, and I asked if I could have that email so I could get get on that chain. And as I was preparing for this this week, one of the messages that came across was titled Acceptance and Faith. Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100% sobriety. In fact, they usually do. And they must, else we would have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. It goes on to say, thoughts to ponder. Spiritual progress isn't what gets us sober, it's what keeps us sober. And sobriety stands for spiritually on beam, everything's right. Um, you know, I I don't know. I used to send out a daily thought at my uh job, and people would reply back, you know, you I did you know I needed to hear this today or whatever. And and um I retired from a pretty pretty good career uh three years ago, and have since gotten involved in a family business. And my daughter's actually working for that family business, and she sends out thoughts now every day. And over the last um couple months it's been really stressful. It's it's uh it's not going as well as I'd like. Um I I'm not practicing my principles and all those affairs, which is probably why they asked me this weekend to speak. And um, she sent me a couple couple notes, or sent everybody the notes, but but I think they were directed towards me. And that's kind of how God speaks, right? Um stick to this stuff and then I'll come back to some of the things that I I want to add in. All right. I came in here last night about 12 o'clock because you know, like any good alcoholic, um, when you're when you're given an assignment, um, I don't always jump on it right away. Um I did a lot of reading and stuff, but last night I knew I kind of had to pull some stuff together. And I came in here because I wanted to make sure there was room for my book, and as I'm walking through the chapel, I I see Christ up there. Um I had an event a few years back. My son had some trouble when he was in high school, and we ended up having to take him out of the school, and there was some stuff going on that was pretty serious, and um, it was right next door at Cathedral. And my wife and I had driven separately, so after after we left, I I came over here and I walked uh I walked the paths out back and and frankly cried like a a baby. Um and and and gave it to God and said, God, this is bigger than what I can handle. Um and you know, today things have turned out the way they're supposed to turn out, but this has been a place that I can come and and uh and just find a little relief. So for those who live nearby, um, you know, take advantage of it. It's pretty cool. What I'm gonna do is talk a little bit about the the steps and go through. And the great part about this is I get to step on anybody's toes that I want to. Um I've given presentations before, and you always have to kind of respect the person on either side of you, and and uh I don't have to do that today. There are three parts to this 12th step, though. One is having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. The result. So if I practice these principles and if I work through these steps, I get to have an awakening. I get to awaken to a new life. And it says we tried to carry this message, and it says tried to carry this message to help alcoholics. Anybody ever work with an alcoholic that wasn't quite ready? Yeah. And then we practice these principles in all our affairs. Uh I went for a little walk this morning on that on that trail, and um uh back by the part where you can walk to the cathedral, there's a sign that says you are leaving the grounds of Fatima. And and I want you all to kind of be thinking about we in about an hour or so will be leaving the grounds of Fatima. And uh really easy to practice these principles when I'm sitting here with a bunch of guys that want to practice the principles with me. Uh not so easy to practice these principles when I get into traffic. You know, when I get home and there's laundry that hadn't been done that I would have liked my wife to have already done. Um when the cats have thrown up their food on some of the carpet that we just had cleaned. Right? So remember that this is um this is something we get to take with us and something that we get to practice elsewhere. So step one, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable. You know, Larry was up here, and I always find it so interesting who the speakers are and when they're there. Um, because Larry's been sober a long time. And for Larry to be up here, um, I don't think Larry's too worried about drinking today. I'm not too worried about drinking today. That's a gift that God gave me when I practice these steps. But that second part of that step talks about life being unmanageable. You know, uh Larry's been sober a long time, but he's still got things in his life that he cannot manage. He's got a wife going through some physical stuff, some medical stuff that he can't fix. That's hard stuff. Um I'm going through some stuff in my world that I can't fix. And I need help. And I need to come to a place like this to recognize that I don't need to hold the world up. You know, I can I can lean on other people, I can ask other people for help. But I don't think of that all the time. So for me, step one, I can practice that today by turning some of these things over. We'll talk about it in step three, but I can I can let some of these things that are eating my lunch, I can let them go. I can I can ask for help. And that's a gift that I have today. Step two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Steve talked about hope. You know, I I uh there's a guy, Don S., who started a lot of meetings in this area and he's got Alzheimer's. But he used to talk about that to the newcomer, that this is a place where you can have hope. And to the guy that's coming into the rooms, going through whatever he got through to get here, you know, that hope is a big deal. I didn't really like that part about the sanity though, having to be restored to sanity. I mean, I was insane. You've told me now I'm un I've got a life that's unmanageable and that I'm insane. You guys really aren't making me feel super good about Ted at this point. But I looked at my behavior. I was insane. One of the things that helped me with that, and I'm gonna step back to step one, and and uh, and then and that was brought up the doctor's opinion. You know, when I got sober, there was a guy I met who'd been 15 years sober. Um I was still practicing, and when I met him, I had a fifth of Picardi and a and a two-liter of Diet Coke, and he was a college roommate of my neighbor's, and he was moving here from California, and I walked across the street to meet him, and um offered him a drink, and he said, Oh, I don't drink. Now, to a practicing alcoholic, I don't know if anybody of you ever had this happen, you you kind of are interested in why somebody wouldn't drink, because it's working so well for me. But he shared with me uh over the coming weeks we became golfing buddies, and uh, and and you know, he he never preached to me. We we don't we don't talk a lot about the traditions, but the one about attraction, not promotion, it he really did practice that with me. Um but he, you know, I met I met Pete, and when I was finally ready, I called Pete. And it was a Tuesday morning. I'd just gotten back from a company awards trip in Hawaii, um, and I called him from my desk, and I was beaten. I was I was done. And he was out of town, but he he he made sure to to help me find a meeting online, and he also uh encouraged me to get a big book. And he told me about the first 164 pages, and he told me that there were pages before the first page, and I don't know about any of you, but those were not pages I ever read. In fact, they could have cut them out of the book and saved a little bit of money on the print. But for whatever reason, I listened to them and I got my big book, and I read that first part about the doctor's opinion. And when it talked about this the allergy that gets set off and the phenomenon of craving that kicks in once I take that first drink, it all made sense. I understood why I would tell my wife, I'm gonna go have a drink with a client, a drink with a client, and I'll be home after that. And I would end up with six voicemails from my wife. You know, the first one was, hey, getting ready to put dinner on the table, are you close? Second one was, hey, just finished up dinner, we're gonna you want me to leave a plate out, and just progressed to the fifth one that said, Hey, just please, I'm worried about you. Call me, let me know you're okay. To that last one that was just panic. And I had every intention of having one drink with that client that night. But the doctor's opinion told me that I do not have that luxury. That helped me a lot. And I'm I I'm pretty sure it was God that made me read those pages. So we're talking about step two in the insanity, and I look back at my life and all the times that I couldn't do what I said I was gonna do, the promises that I would make that I couldn't keep, um, you know, the behavior standards that would keep lowering to match uh, you know, my moral standards that would lower to match my behavior. And it became pretty clear that I was insane. The big book talks about on page 55 or 45. And my sponsor, as we were getting started with the recovery process and reading the book, he used to point this out and he used to say it at meetings a lot. But on page 45, it says, Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live. And it had to be a power greater than ourselves, obviously. But where and how were we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this book, and weekend, is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. And when I came in here, my problem was alcohol. Or so I thought. And this program is solve that problem. Jim mentioned page fifty-five. Might as well keep this book out because I'm gonna refer to it a couple times. You ever make notes and then you can't remember what the note was about? So deep down inside each and every one of us is the fundamental idea of God. I have no idea where it is on that page, but I think you guys know what I'm talking about. Jim mentioned that. And for me, that has helped me a lot. Um, the messages I hear that I think God wants me to hear come from you. They come from other people who have been through experiences that I need to know about, but I don't know where to find them. Every time I've had a challenge in my life in sobriety, I've gone to an AA meeting because that's what I was told to do. Um I'll talk about my mom a little bit later, but when she took her last breath, I went to an A meeting and found out I wasn't the only guy that's lost a mom. There were other men there that told me it was going to be okay. They told me that I'd get through that. So, step three, we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a God as we understood him, of God as we understood him. I grew up Catholic. I grew up down the street at St. Matthew, um, was an altar boy. Um when I was seven years old, I wasn't drinking at seven. That started, I don't know, six, seven years later. But when I was seven years old, I've got a twin brother, Ed, and I stole a candy bar from Linder's ice cream store. And because we were twins, we looked a little bit alike, and I noticed that the cashier was talking to my mom and kind of pointing to her two sons. So I went ahead and put that candy bar in my brother's pocket. See, I was a liar and a thief long before I picked up a drink. You know, what was his name? Old fast daddy used to always say, you take a chicken thief out of the, you take a drunken chicken thief, take the alcohol out of a drunken chicken thief, you still have a chicken thief, right? So just because I stopped drinking, it doesn't fix me. But I grew up, I mean, I grew up behind a church, being the altar boy they'd call if there was a shortfall, right? I was trying to do the stuff I could do. But the God that I was introduced to, and I don't blame anybody for it, this is how I interpret it as a kid, he was counting my sins, and he was angry at me when I didn't do the right stuff, and someday he was going to judge me based on the behaviors that I was practicing. And I'm not sure I really wanted to trust in that God. So when I was talking with Pete about step two, Pete kind of helped me understand that I could go ahead and choose a conception of a higher power, who I call God, and it could be different than the one I had. And that helped me a lot. Um, I had a little dog named Murphy. Um turned out that Murphy was born on my sobriety birthday a year earlier, and I didn't know that until a couple couple years ago. But Murphy, um Murphy was uh was one of those little yippie terrier dogs, and I was not involved in the purchase of Murphy. Um my wife, instead of going to the zoo to see animals on a rainy day, went to the pet store with the kids and came home with Murphy. Um we would put Murphy in his crate because he did his dog business, he did what dogs do, right? And um, but when I get home and I'd let Murphy out of the crate, Murphy would jump up on me. He'd lick my face, he was thrilled to see me. Today I think my God is is kind of that way with me. You know, I may not be connected all the time, but when I do take that time to stop and notice his handiwork, um, you know, I was walking the path and I saw this tree that was all bent and curved, and I looked up and it had grown to the light, right? This big long tree. Nature had found a way for it to find the light. And I just found that really cool this morning. And I think when that happens, I think God says, Yeah, you know, thanks for noticing my handiwork. You know, you're okay. I don't think he's he's not like me, where if my son doesn't return a text within so long, I think something's wrong. I did something, or he's got something going on. God is patient, he's loving, he's kind, and I get to kind of work on evolving that. And I I learned about that relationship with my higher power through you all. Um we just went through step 11 and um got to hear how other people accessed that. Kells talked about turning everything over, not just the alcohol. Wow. You know, God took away the biggest challenge or hurdle in my life. Why couldn't He help me with having a little more love and tolerance and patience of my business partner? You know, for understanding that 26-year-old kids don't call back right away. I think about the relationship I had with my parents at 26 years old, and I'm humbled by the relationship I have with my kids today, which is all a gift of this program. So the big book has some timelines in it, and sometimes people are a little bit confused by timelines. So I'm gonna read part of the timeline that we we read after we go through step three. And this is after we've we've taken the third step. By the way, my third step, uh my home group moved during COVID or after COVID, but um my the very first wedding I had to go to in sobriety. You know, I don't know about you all, I'd ever read the invitation stuff, I'd leave that for my wife to worry about. So I was a little anxious, brought up at the meeting, you know, what do I do going to my first wedding? You know, there's gonna be alcohol there, and and people gave me good ideas like have a diet coke in your hand with a straw in it, and maybe even put a lime in there and no one will bother you, and you know, have it have an exit route, have it have a way to get out of there if you need to. And you know, really good stuff. And I always love those meetings when they come up. But we're driving to the the the wedding and pull into the church where my AA meetings have been. I had done my third step prayer in that chapel that week. You know, God's kind of kind of funny how He does that stuff. But I had I got sober in March, so I've been to a lot of meetings that talked about the four step, right, in April. And I heard a lot of people talking about working on the four step. And I was getting the idea that, you know, I when I get to that spot, I probably should do that. So I I I want to read this at the bottom of page 63. It says, next, we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal house cleaning, which many of us had never attempted. So I had been meeting with my sponsor once a week. I asked Pete, that guy I talked about that uh that was a quitter. I asked him if he'd be my sponsor. And he didn't really jump up and down about being my sponsor. In fact, he said, you know what, let me think about it. Which, you know, I uh at an early meeting, somebody said, go to 19 meetings in 90 days, and and I asked him about it, and he said, Well, it's not in the black print of the big book, but that might work for you. So I'm going to meetings and I'm hearing all this stuff about sponsorship, and and I'm going to the his home group that he invited me to where they were laughing. By the way, isn't it fun to laugh? You know, that first meeting I did not feel like laughing. And these old men were sitting around laughing. The Muppet judges I refer to them as. And I learned how to laugh in those rooms. You know, I did not feel like I fit in that first night, but then people started saying stuff. We started reading the literature. My head started to nod. People said things that I felt, but I couldn't put a word to it. So I knew I needed to do this four-step. And Pete did agree to be my sponsor. My son and his son happened to just sit next to each other in the first day of first grade in school. Um so we had gotten to know Pete and his family, and he knew my wife pretty well. And uh when he agreed to be my sponsor, he told me, he said, if I go out, you need to find a new sponsor right away. Now I'm a week, two weeks sober. He's been sober 15 years. Why would he say something like that? What he was telling me was I was responsible for my recovery. He couldn't do it for me. Frankly, he was worried about sponsoring me because he knew that most alcoholics don't quit drinking. And he was worried about being able to still be there for my wife to support her and be a be a friend to her. But he said yes, and and uh he I said, Well, what do we do? And he said, Well, I walked through the 12 and 12 with my sponsor when I got sober. We're gonna walk through the 12 and 12. And we're gonna meet uh Wednesday nights my home group. Uh I'd like you to go to my home group, and I'd like you to meet me there at 6:30. The meeting starts at 8. We'll go ahead and spend an hour uh working through the the 12 and 12 each week. So we did that first week. He gave me a little assignment to write after we read the step and did that the first couple weeks, and then we get to finish step three, and he says, Well, Ted, now you need to do your four step. And uh, we're gonna go ahead and give you two weeks to work on that four step. So, like any good alcoholic, that 13th night I pulled out the stuff and called him and said, I really don't know what to do. And he said, Well, open up the he was big by the way on pencil to paper. He said, I was sick and I needed to hear the graphite on the paper. And when I do inventory today, I still use a pencil. But he said, um, he said, go to the part in the big book that talks about step four and Mr. Brown. God love Mr. Brown. Um, and he gave me a little bit of guidance, but he did not really give me a whole lot. He he said, read it and seek it out. And I didn't have a Joe and Charlie four-step guide, but he did tell me to write the three, uh, to make the three lines up and down the page and to go down the lines, um, not across. And he told me to leave that fourth column alone. So I did it, right? I started writing, and I don't know about anybody else's experience, but once that pencil started to go, it's like it just took itself along, and I was just there for the ride. And it was bringing up some things that I hadn't thought about in years. Some people I was angry with for stuff that I should have never that should have never happened to me, right? Poor me. And I I I went down the next column, I got to, you know, got to go through the product part about um you know what affected me, or what they did, right? And then what did that affect in me. And I was pretty good and lathered up, like, you know what, I have had some stuff going on in my life that's been pretty tough. You know, like maybe there is a reason I was an alcoholic. So we get together. Um, I love the the description that um Brian gave about giving his fist up because he knew exactly where he was. You know, I I can tell you, I can tell you the bench I sat on at 126th in Cumberland Road at the little park there. It was a beautiful fall spring day. Um and we sat there, we prayed before we started, and he had me read through that part, right? And the first resentment on the list was my mom. You know, my mom was not very happy with me. She was kind of a wet blanket. I she didn't really believe that the behavior I was practicing was was what I should be practicing. And so we went across the line and and and we get to the fourth column. And he said, Well, Ted, what what's your part in that? I said, Well, I did get kicked out of IU after getting arrested three times in six weeks. And I did keep drinking and doing crazy stuff at work and not coming home when I was living with her until two or three in the morning. And, you know, I probably was making her a little bit scared about some of that stuff. He said, Yeah. My mom was a single mother, she raised four of us. My dad left when we were seven. She worked three jobs. You know, she was a kindergarten teacher at a Catholic school, so wasn't lighting the world on fire, uh, dipped ice cream at the Baskin Robbins and uh and sold uh disability insurance on the side. And she she worked pretty hard. I used to steal $20 bills out of her purse on payday because I wanted to go buy candy. And I realized at that point that maybe I did have a part in that. You know, that I wasn't the son that I that I really could have been. And we started to go down the list, and there were three or four other, you know, the next three or four, he somehow found my part in all of this stuff. And I figured out that that was how this process was gonna work. We were gonna look at what I did. You know, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. And that was that was written all over that page. So we get through that four step, and and um he he asked me if I was missing anybody, and I thought I did a pretty good job. And he asked where I was on that four step. Because he'd been around me long enough to know I was very upset with myself. I held myself to a very high standard, I didn't meet that standard, and I beat myself with a club. And he encouraged me to take a little bit of time and do a little work on that, and I'm grateful that he did. So he told me to go home and let me make sure I've got my notes here. Oh, procrastination. Anybody have that show up on their on their steps? Uh but Aaron talked about a fearless inventory and to be like the fisherman and to own my part, not blame it on the sharks. You know, there's a story in the big book that talks about a dog that's barking at night. And that's just the nature of a dog. So for me to think that I can change the nature of other people, places, or things, I can't. I can only work on me. But after that, that fifth step, I I went home, just like the book says, I took my book out and read the proposal on uh on page. I got it right here. I think it's 75. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to this page which contain turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? If the answer is yes to our is the if the answer is to our satisfaction, then we look at step six. And I'm gonna go ahead and read steps six and seven in the big book because there's not a whole lot there. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all, every one? If we are clinging to something we will not let go, will we ask God to help us to be willing? When ready, we say something like this My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have now completed step seven. Woohoo. I um you know I wasn't we we we read through the the 12 and 12, so I actually did get the benefit of the 12 and 12 for six and seven. Um but I recently did a uh workshop with some guys in the rooms uh on Drop the Rock, and I don't know whether this is approved AA literature or not, so I apologize if that's offensive to anybody. You can get a piece of paper and pencil and work through that with all the knowledge you have. But there's a story in here that I'd heard before, and what I keep finding out is everything I hear in the rooms, you know, if you read Living Sober or The Daily Reflections, or all the stuff has somewhere been written down. But there's a story, and it's like the old story of the man in the flood. A man who believed in God devoutly lived by a river, which flooded on occasion. This kind of sounds like Noblesville, right? One spring the rains fell heavily and the river began to rise. Soon it was above the foundation of the man's house. A sheriff came by in a four by four truck, offering the man a lift and telling him it was time to evacuate the area. The man refused to ride, stating, God will take care of me. The river continued to rise, and soon the man was forced up to the second floor of the house. Looking out his window, he saw a rescue boat approach. Opening the window, he shouted to them, Go away, after they had offered me to rescue him. After they'd offered to rescue him. He said, God will take care of me. The river continued to rise, and the man was forced out of the second floor of the onto the roof, where he climbed up to the chimney and held on. The river rose to where it was swirling around his legs and torso, threatening to tear him away into the rushing water. A helicopter swooped by out of the darkening sky and started to lower a rescue sling to lift him out of the jeopardy. He waved off the chopper, shouting, God will take care of me. Very soon, he, after the helicopter left, the man was swept off the roof into the raging flood and drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, he was greeted by St. Peter and taken before God. Before God could greet him or say hello or how do you do, the man angrily demanded to know why God had let him down. After all, he had great faith and trust in the Lord. God said to the man, I sent a four by four truck, a boat, and a helicopter to help you. What more could I do? Yeah, I've heard in the rooms, God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, but he will not do for us what we can. So step seven, uh, six and seven, and and and the presenters did a great job on that as well. Um, Todd talked about the the character traits having good and bad. And uh man, that that seven-step prayer that we say, it's kind of hard for me. Um because we do have these traits, right? You know, complete honesty to my wife when she's dressed in a pair of pants that don't look great. I know John John Check may be able to have that conversation, but I'm not strong enough yet in my recovery to do that. Um these these traits, I'm kind of a smart ass, right? And that trait is probably connecting me with some of you guys that walked into the room, which maybe made you stay around long enough to hear a message that you needed to hear. But when I don't do it properly, it can lead me to some conflict, right? My stupid mouth. There's a John Mayer song. I love that song. But that's me. I can say things that I shouldn't have said, thinking that I'm the most funny guy in the room, and then I hurt somebody. And and and I don't think God wants me to hurt people with that. So I have to ask for that help, and Patrick, you know, I've been thinking about this a lot. Um we can move forward amidst the uncertainty. Man, I've been stuck for a couple months not wanting to do the things that I know I need to do because I don't know what the outcome will be. That doesn't really sound like faith, does it? I don't think I'm alone in this, and that gives me a lot of comfort to know that I'm not the only guy going through this. You know, somebody told me to work the first step on my character defects. If you're having trouble with tardiness, ask God to remove the tardiness. Ask for help. And then stop practicing the tardiness. Get there ten minutes earlier. Quit playing snooztag. Sorry for anybody around my room hearing the snooztag the last couple days. But I have to change, and that's what step six and seven's about. I have to become a closer version to the version that I believe my higher power wants me to be. And I've got a pretty good understanding of what God doesn't want me to do most days. I don't always know what he wants me to do, but I'm pretty sure some things he doesn't want me to do. And step eight, we made that list, right? We I had that list from the four step. And uh brought that four step to my sponsor, and he crossed off a few names of some gals that I had wronged. And they were right to be on that list. But he knew me well enough at that time that going to those women would not be for the purpose that I really needed it to be for. Um and I understood, and and he was right to cross those names off. Um but the step says well, I'm gonna go to the amends step, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so, would injure them or others. So I'm in an airport airport, maybe three years sober, and I run into one of those gals. And I was willing to make amends. And we stopped, uh, grabbed a cup of coffee, and I said, Hey, I I really want to talk to you about my behavior when I was in high school. I mean, we were kids, right? Um, but I was wrong. And and nobody should have been treated like that. And I've got a daughter now, and and uh I I now have a little bit better understanding. And you know, is there anything I can do to make it right? And and she said, you know, I was she had she had cheated on me, but I'd been cheating on her prior, right? And she apologized for her part in that too. And and then I I saw her not too long later at an event that had I not seen her in the airport, that event would have been an awkward event. Um my brother, I've got a twin brother, and um he moved out to Seattle, out to the West Coast about 30 years ago. Um and he had a stroke two years ago. Um and we we really have not had a very connected relationship for the majority of the last 25 years, you know, for whatever reason. Um and he had a stroke, and and within about four hours I was on a plane out to Portland to be there for him and his partner as he walked through that journey. And while I was out there, um, well, this the second time I went out there, I went out a couple weeks later. Um, I was able to make amends for that candy bar thing. And he had no idea what I was talking about. Similar situation, my sister. Uh my sister called me at the bar the night that IU's letter came in certified mail to my mom's condo and said you're no longer a student at IU. And she called me at the bar and said, You probably should come home. And I said, you know, I think I'm gonna stay right where I am. I I can't do anything about this on a Friday night anyway. And uh she came and listened to my lead. Uh it was at the old club, so it's probably been six, seven years. And she's not alcoholic, she just loves her brother, and she's one of the most spiritually grounded people I know, and uh I had not made amends to her for that. But I I made amends from the podium that night, and afterwards she said, I have no idea what you're talking about. But obviously it's something you needed to be free of. And I, you know, I'm I I for I forgive you, right? And that's not what the stuff's about is being forgiven, but um sometimes the people do say you're forgiven, and I was grateful for that. But I'd carried that around for 35 years. 35 years of feeling like I'm a shitty brother, pardon my French. Um I have a relationship with her today that that I wouldn't trade with anybody. Um it's just amazing. My my uh my mom um she died in 2014. I got sober in 2007. In 2006, we all went met at the hospital. She had a DNR that we didn't understand, but she had um she had had a medical event, and we did not honor the DNR because we didn't understand it, and she ended up living ten more years, or nine, eight more years. And um she sometimes would get down and and uh you know I really wish you guys would let me go. And my sister, who's got my other sister who's more the the the the crackpot, she would she would say, Well, mom, I can get a pillow and take care of that for you right now. And that that usually got mom to lighten up a little bit. But when um when it came to these amends, my my sponsor asked, What was I willing to do for my mom? And my mom, my mom knew pretty quickly I'd I'd quit drinking. She actually called my uncle and had talked to my uncle about it, and he this was on my four step, and my uncle had um uh she had told my uncle I was going to AA. And I was a little, you know, this is an anonymous program, mom. And I'm talking to my sponsor about it, a little bit worked up, and he said, Well, tell me a little bit about your mom's relationship with her brother. I said, Well, he actually drove mom down when we had to meet with the attorney when I got arrested. And he was there to, you know, pour out the beer into my basement toilet when she found beer in my car, when it was killing him, because he would have loved to have taken that beer home. Um, she was pretty much relied on him a lot to help get through the shenanigans that I was pulling. And Pete said, Well, maybe, just maybe, she's happy that you're making some changes. And she just wanted to share that with somebody who'd been on that journey. And again, I started to see that it wasn't all about me, it was about these other people. But he said, What can you do with your mom? And I still, I mean, I'm sober, right? Trying, not drinking, but I'm my mom called, you know, God, my kids still make fun of me because I used to have to, I printed up a sheet for her to be able to work her TV remote and her VCR remote and all that when it was separate. And she'd call me and I would, you know, and I'd be patient as best I could. But I said, he said, can you go over there an hour a week on the Sundays? And I said, Yeah, I can do that. And you know, at minute 58, I'm ready to go, and she'd have a light bulb that needed to be changed, or you know, some windows that need to be washed. And she just wanted to have her son be there a little bit longer. And I did that for probably six months and realized that I actually started to look forward to going to hang out with my mom. Started to understand a little bit more about how she was raised and what her family life was like. Um, you know, when my dad wanted to get divorced, her dad, her parents said, go back and make it right. It was an unreconcilable divorce for reasons that she couldn't make it right. And that was the support she got. And I started to understand what it would have been like to be a single woman in 1977 with four children. All four of us went to Catholic high schools. All four of us have degrees in something. She did an amazing job. And my dad stayed around financially. I will always be grateful for that. And I have a relationship with my dad today. But my mom ends up back in the hospital. Um, well, she she had COPD and she was struggling, and and we had to put her in um uh a rehabilitation facility, uh what do they call them, a senior center or something. And um I had to I had to take her keys away from her. Um we had to let her know she's moving. And she died 30 days later. Uh and I was at the hospital. I met my two sisters there. We knew it was getting close, and um they had left to go take care of some business, and and I've heard my mom start breathing heavily and knew something wasn't right. And my mom prayed the rosary every day. Every day. Um my mom used to put money in the plate, you know, at church. Didn't have any money, but she'd be putting money in that plate in church. Uh and that little boy was taking money from her. But I got to be there and get on my knees and hold her hand and pray with her while she took her last breath. Probably one of the greatest honors that I've had in my life. It's to be there when somebody leaves this world to go to the world that she had so desperately wanted to be a part of. So I went down to the nurse's station and said, I think my mom just died. You know, they were they were wonderful. They came in and helped. And and I see my two aunts get off the elevator, three aunts get off the elevator because they were there to see their sister. And right away this program kicked in. And it was no longer about me losing my mom. It was me being a son to help her with her sisters that just lost their sister. And I was there to be of service. Then my sisters came back. I gave them some grief about, you know, mom wanted to be with me last. Because we laugh in our house. That's part of how we get through stuff. But I left that meeting and I went up to Suburban North Club, you know, just like I talked about earlier. And other men had been through those situations. After I'd been walking these uh forests here after my son's stuff that was going on, I went to a meeting and there were two guys that had similar situations with what had gone on, and they gave me some hope, right? Because that hope in step two keeps showing up if I keep letting it. So I get to be the man that I'm supposed to be to my mom. I don't, you know, I I love my mom today. I I I miss her, um, but I also know that she's proud of who I am today. So we become new people. And step ten, I love step ten. I was asked to do step ten at one of these weekends, and um one of my favorite lines, and it really helped me with with my relationship with my mom, and frankly, my relationship with difficult people, including me. I am a difficult person sometimes. But on page 92, it says, Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong. And then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we move forward that it is pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. I've yet to meet a human on this spiritual journey that I'm on that has not had some tough stuff. My wife, I think I saw Mark at a meeting, and Mark had said this, and my wife had said it the day before about what if we just went with that default assumption that everybody is doing the best that they can do today. And I've actually turned that around a little bit to be kind to myself and say, you know what? I am doing the best that I can do today. Have I had days in the past where I've been better? You bet. Do I have some days that I'm gonna be better in the future than I am today? Probably. But there are days that I just don't have that A game. And sometimes the best thing I can do is just not pick up a drink that day. And for an alcoholic like me who has this phenomenon of craving that's gonna kick in, that's a pretty big deal. But we shall not rest on our laurels, right? I can't live with that being the threshold for me today. There are many things on this broad highway that gets narrower as we go along that are no longer acceptable to me today. You know, when I made that ninth step to my wife, um I had I had not been the man that I should have been as a husband. Um, and there were some things that that I did as a husband that we shouldn't do. And my sponsor helped me understand that that would have done more harm to her than me. And I've struggled over the years sometimes wishing I had the freedom of being completely clear on that. To which he reminds me, do you believe God forgave you? Because we invited God into that fifth step. And I do believe God's forgiven me. Um, without alcohol, I haven't repeated that behavior. I I am not saying that I couldn't repeat the behavior, but that's part of the prayer too. Help me be that man that I'm supposed to be today. And I live those amends to her today. Today, when I do text her that I'm gonna be home at a certain time, I get home at a certain time. When she asked me to pick up her medicine at the pharmacy for paramenopausal stuff, if any of you guys know what that is, it's not a fun time for me. I pick up that prescription. And then I even maybe have a moment of compassion and think, what would it be like to go through that from my if I was in her shoes? And I don't think she likes it any more than I like it. But I'm far from perfect, guys. You know, that pause went agitated. Anyone have that feeling of just complete, God, I don't know what the feeling is. It's you know, sometimes you just say what you wanted to say when you shouldn't say it. And for like a millisecond, it feels so good. And then I go, man, I gotta clean that up. Because I had a guy early in sobriety, this guy, I pray from all the time because he's not sober now. But 18 years ago, we were doing um, we we were reading the tenth step in October, and he he challenged me. I asked if I wanted to work with him on reading that tenth step every day for a month. And I did. And we'd call each other each day and kind of what hit you different this time. And um, you know, that tenth step got ingrained in me at that point. And so I love it. I love that spiritual axiom. I hate that spiritual axiom, actually, but I love that I can recognize that there's something going on with me when I see somebody doing something that I don't really like about myself. And I really don't need to beat them up, and I don't need to beat me up. I just need to accept them for who they are, and I need to do a little bit better myself. And step 11. And by the way, all the sponsors or the presenters who did this, if I didn't say your name, you all gave me things that I've thought about, and where am I putting those in practice in my life, or where can I add those in? Um, but Frank, thank you for for the 11th step. I um it uh early on in sobriety, I had a friend that that we talked a lot about sunsets, right? And um, you know, I'd text him, this was before texting, I'd call him and say, hey, look in the east sky or whatever sky it was, that sun coming up or going down. And it was just a way for me to just kind of feel right-sized, right? To feel like I'm in the right place at the right time, and that God can do all of that, and and it's gonna be okay. Um, you know, prayer and meditation, I'm gonna read it because it's important to me to get the words right. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Remember, we talked about what's this book and this weekend about? It's about finding this power that will solve your problem. Anybody in the room think that this power that I've got in my life that got me sober and this giving me the life that I've got can probably help me with this frustrating relationship with my nephew? Apparently I don't. So I've got to come here, I've got to hear Frank talk about praying for his co-worker. I've heard that a million times. I've told people to do it, and I get to do that today. And I know enough about this kid's life. He's had some challenges. He might even be one of us, but he just kind of quit drinking. Well, an alcoholic without these, without booze and without this program is not a very fun person to be around. And I can be that guy. So, step 11. Um, my confirmation name is Francis, and part of the reason I chose that is I really like the prayer of St. Francis, which is the 11-step prayer. And I am not disciplined. The book talks about we let God discipline us, right? And I, you know, I know people say these prayers and start their day on their knees. I needed help with that. So at some point, somebody, I don't know where I got this, but I went ahead and laminated the third-step prayer, the seven-step prayer, the 11-step prayer, and the serenity prayer in the long form, which, if you're not reading the serenity prayer in the long form, I encourage that. But I stick this on the wall of my shower every morning when I take a shower. And I say these prayers every morning. Now, some days I say them really fast because I got to be somewhere because I procrastinate on getting up and I'm running late. But I do. I say these every day. This was in my shaving kit because I left a copy of my shaving kit for when I'm traveling, right? It reminds me every day I'm an untreated alcoholic. And I'm also an untreated human being. And I can't do this alone. And I need help. I celebrate 30 years of marriage in June coming up next year. My wife has never asked me to take this down. I don't know if it'll help anybody, but if anybody wants one, let me know. I'll uh I'll gladly mail you one. I have a laminator now at home that I probably took from work, but I'll make amends for that. So, guys, it's um it's been a it's been a good weekend for me. Uh these weekends always come at the right times. Um thanks, Derek, for encouraging Bryce to call me when you moved, because that's how I got involved with Bryce. And I encouraged one of my other guys to go to the retreat last year. I I went to this retreat for 10 or 11 years in a row out of the gate, and um it was a big part of my sobriety. Being on the committee was one of the coolest, funnest things that that I've I've done. And um I go to the Cleveland retreat pretty regularly in January. Um I've been to the Pittsburgh retreat, but they changed the weekend on this, and and uh it conflicts with some stuff that I've got going on that this year I was able to unwind. But but it was because I encourage guys to come to this that I get asked to come back, and and I'm grateful that I was asked. The hardest part for me is leaving this campus, right? You are getting ready to leave the grounds of Fatima. It'd be really easy for me to go home and take a little nap. It's an emotional weekend for me, even if I'm not doing something up here, but this is a weekend that I, you know, it's like giving your book report, and you'd rather do it first than last. But I've got an opportunity to go home and see how my wife's weekend's going. Right? Check in on the kids. Reach out to my dad. My dad's 87. Um, my dad has had a couple partners pass away over the years, and we'd get real close to us kids when that happened, and then a new shiny object would come up, and and dad's in the middle of a new shiny object right now. And that hurts, you know. Um but I can be the son that I know I'm supposed to be, because dad won't be here that much longer. You know, we just started a medical calendar for dad so we can be there and serve dad and help him get where he needs to get to. But I can reach out to my dad and check in on him. Um I can reach out on a couple guys I haven't seen in these rooms for a while. Friday night, one of the guys that was scheduled to come to this weekend came in here and there was no parking, and I made one of those wise ass cracks, and he turned around, I'm sure, for different reasons, but I maybe didn't help it. Maybe I could reach out to that guy. We've been given a gift of sobriety. Um, where's Joe's? Happy 30 days. I hope you didn't drink last night. All right, congrats, man. We've been given this gift of sobriety. Uh there's some cool saying about a candle doesn't lose its light when it lights another candle or something like that. Um, get out and help that next guy. Uh I was talking to Pat before this, you know. When you're at a meeting, it's great to go see the guys you know. Take 15 minutes and talk to the guy that you hadn't seen before, or you'd seen before, but just seems to be quiet. See if there's something going on there. And just be offered to be a friend. Not nothing more than that. But take it with us. Let's take it with us. My name's Ted Shervick, I'm an alcoholic. I don't care who knows it as long as I don't forget it. Just join with the iPhone.