My name's Ted. I'm an alcoholic. Um actually I I wanted to since we didn't have a grope fine joke, I there's a good true story that I thought I could share. And a couple of people in the story are here. Years ago, uh over at the foundry uh across from the Firestone plant, um there used to be a bar there, and uh and a young man Jim was walking by the bar and he saw a sign. It said, Help wanted, bouncer needed. And so Jim popped his head in. He was looking for work and walks up to the bar and Larry's bartending there, and Larry looks at him and looks him up and down, and so what are you in here for? He says, Well, I'm here about the job. Larry looks at him and goes, We get some tough guys that come here from across the street, the foundry, and I don't know that you can handle yourself. About that same time, Pat's over at the Barstool one or two, I can't remember which one, two, bar stool two, and uh and and he says, Larry, come over here, come over here. So Larry saunders down to the end of the bar and says, Pat says, What's that boy want? He says, Well, he's here about the bouncer position, but I don't think he could handle himself. Pat said, No, that is one tough ombre. That guy is so tough that one time he got his arm stuck in a wood chipper and he reached in, he pulled his arm out, he stitched it back on one stitch at a time. Larry goes, Well, wow, that that gets pretty tough. So he walks back down into the bar and says, All right, Jim, they vouch for you, you're hired. And Jim goes, All right. Um when I came in here, I didn't want to laugh. You know, I came in, my first meeting was Wednesday night, and my second meeting was Wednesday night, Fisher's Do Drop In 2, which is my home group. It was Fisher's um do drop in two, and it was eight o'clock Wednesday nights, and and uh a guy I had met before I got sober um invited me to that meeting. And I got there and they were laughing and having fun. And I remember just looking at the uh the the Muppet judges, Bob and uh God, Bob McGean and uh Paul and and uh Bob Walker, and they're just back there having fun, laughing, and I just remember thinking, man, I don't know what they could be laughing about because I was I was at that point that I knew alcohol wasn't working anymore. And I didn't know how I was gonna go and continue to live life without alcohol. Um and I'm so grateful that that I stuck around long enough to learn how to laugh. Um my sobriety date is March 17th, 2007. Um, it had nothing to do with St. Patty's Day, just happened to be the last day that I drank. Um I grew up in Indianapolis. Uh, I've got a twin brother, Ed, Ed and Ted. Uh I've got two older sisters um who are wonderful people. They both still live here in town. Um went to St. Matthew's. We lived close enough to church that I could walk to school. Um, you know, I was a good altar boy, um, did all the things that I was supposed to do. Um, but my folks got divorced when I was seven. And that was um that was a pretty big blow. That was something that um divorce wasn't really all that prevalent in 1977, but the reason for my folks' divorce um was not one that was very common at that time. My dad came out of the closet and um uh chose to live a life to be true to himself, which I have a lot of respect for, but it didn't leave my mother with four kids in a very good situation. Um but went to went to St. Matthew's, uh, had to start working pretty early, uh, got a paper out when I was 12. Uh loved having a paper out, loved having a a job growing up because it gave me um it gave me some money. Um I'm laughing about the grapevine and that we get those mailed to us now. There was a gentleman, I probably I don't know that I can ever make amends to this gentleman, except I don't do this anymore. But for probably two years, um 38-15, I can see the mailbox now. I used to know the day, it was Wednesday afternoons, and I was delivering the newspaper in Indianapolis, um, that was when there would be a brown paper-wrapped magazine that would be in his mailbox, which I learned was a Playboy. And I think I stole that Playboy for the better part of two years. Um and you know, we we sometimes talk about our behavior as alcoholics. Um I was not drinking at 12 years old. But I had those those those character defects that if I wanted something and I couldn't get it myself, I would take it from somebody else. And that that was something that kind of kept showing up in my life. Um went to Chitard High School, um, started working for a family-owned restaurant uh called Doddstown House over in the northeast side of Indianapolis or north north side of Indianapolis. Uh when I was 15, uh, was a busboy and a dishwasher and then and then worked my way up to being a cook and a waiter and ran the restaurant for a little while when I got done with school. Um but I loved it. It was it was where I was introduced to um alcohol. I remember I remember the first time uh I had four wine coolers with one of the waitress gals uh in the parking lot at the back of the uh the restaurant building. And I felt like I fit in. I could talk to girls. Um there was always a steady supply of new new gals to run around with there at the restaurant, and we get off work, and and it was just fun. Um so I I I then started gravitating towards guys at school that, you know, if it was Friday night, we knew that we had a football game to go to, and why would we want to go to the football game without having a little pre-party? And you know, his brothers worked in a restaurant and they were a little bit older, and they'd let us stay at their apartment and drink, and they'd get us a case of beer every Friday night. And you know, it was it was awesome. It was it was it was working. Um, had a lot of fun doing it. And um, you know, really there there weren't any penalties for it at that point. Uh was a pretty good student, was pretty lucky. I liked school, um, and and school came pretty easy to me. So I didn't have any problems with the grades. Uh when it came down to picking where I was gonna go to college, uh, my dad went to Purdue, he was an engineer. Uh, but all my friends are going to IU, so I decided to go to IU because I could I could go there and kind of have that instant party established already. So I went down to Bloomington. Uh, I remember my mom dropping me off that first day of school, and I couldn't wait for her to get out of that dorm. Uh and I I I think by that point she was already starting to be done with my behavior because that last, you know, that last summer was not a uh an easy summer for us because she had different objectives than I did, and I was gonna do what I wanted to do. But I I do remember she left and I mean it was it within within an hour, I had a couple bottles of booze, I had a you know, a case of beer, I was living with a guy I went to high school with, so we had a party to go to that night, and you know, it was off to the races. Didn't do real well that first year in school. Uh got in a little bit of trouble in the dorms. They didn't really like it when you you know played football in the hall and and hit the fire alarm. And I was honest and would stick around and say, hey, we're just playing around in the hall, but I'd get in trouble. You know, I'd walk back from a party and go down to brush my teeth, but I'd leave my door open and the RAs would be waiting when I got back from there, and they'd they'd see my bar that we built and a couple bottles of booze on there, and I'd get in trouble for that. And you know, Saturday mornings were when we get the letter for the disciplinary action, and that was always kind of a fun time in the in the dorm cafeteria. But ultimately, um I ended up getting arrested. Um trying to think the order of this. I got arrested for drunk driving. Um, I turned right out of a bar and should have turned left because it was a one-way street. Um, had gotten arrested for that. My mother came down to to you know meet with my attorney uh along with my uncle David, who who passed away recently. And I I just remember what a what a kind man he was to my mother to help her get through all that. But I went and met with an attorney. Um, you know, just just I was a I was a 19-year-old alcoholic, but wasn't wasn't gonna call myself that yet. Uh my brother came to visit. Uh he went to Indiana State, but he came to visit one night, probably three or four weeks later, um, and I got arrested for criminal trespassing and um public intox with him. Uh then a few weeks after that, maybe a month after that, I got arrested for uh public intox, but it should have been a DUI uh up here in Indy. And you know, so six weeks I get arrested three times. Um that was in November of 1989. Came home from for Christmas break, and my sister, my oldest sister who is is a saint, um she called me at at the bar I was at. I had a fake ID and I went to a bar with my buddy, and he um and she said, Hey, there's a letter, certified letter from IU here. I went ahead and took the liberty to open it, but they don't, they're not inviting you to come back for the spring semester. And she said, I think you should come home. And I said, you know, I I don't think I can do anything about this tonight, um, but uh but I think I'm gonna stay here. And I'll and I'll come back to that a little bit later. So I was just unlucky. I mean, you know, I mean, I was hanging around with guys. We had a rule within our group that whoever had the most recent DUI didn't have to drive, right? I mean, it was we kind of try to take care of each other. Went to the alcohol class down there in Bloomington and knew three or four people. So, you know, there's probably some pretty good indicators that this alcohol thing might not be working for me. Um, but after they asked me not to come back after three semesters, I I appealed that. I started, I found out there's this place called the library right in the middle of campus. And if you just go there, well, one, if you get up and go to class the first class, and then if you can stay at the library between classes, you know, I could drink every bit as much as I wanted to on Thursday and Friday nights and still get my grades to be where they were. And who am I kidding? I was drinking Monday through Friday, but you know, it worked. Now, because of the legal stuff, I had to go home on the weekends and work that part-time job to be able to pay for my attorney uh and the and the fun stuff that I did. But I I liked that. I kind of knew the school thing, I needed to probably be separated from IU because IU was really probably the problem. It wasn't Ted. And so I at least was home on the weekends and the behavior was no different, but it was with people I knew at home, and I was able to kind of navigate that system a little bit better. Um, graduated from IU in four years. I have no idea how I did that, but I did and um uh kept kind of working at that restaurant because at that point I really didn't want to grow up. It was great. I'd get off work at 10 or 10:30 and have cash in my pocket and could go to Broader Pool. It was right around the corner. And I kind of just kept doing that thing for a little while. My mother, though, was really big about me getting a job that had insurance. And as I look back now, my mom had health problems all her life, and insurance was really important to her. But she really wanted me to have a job with insurance. So I did what we did back then, and I answered an ad in the newspaper for a job. Uh, I was a public finance major at IU. I kind of missed out on the business school thing because I had some other stuff going on. Um, but I took a job, it was a uh financial customer service representative or something like that. That's what the ad said, and I went, and it was um it was a bill collector job. I didn't really have a whole lot going on outside of that, so I went ahead and took the job. Um, was pretty good at it. There was this cute little customer service gal that I would see through the plexiglass, and um, and I remember intercoming her and saying she was eating a banana, and I remember saying, I'm watching you eat a banana. Pretty sure you get fired for that stuff now. Um but that turned out to be my wife, Kim. Uh, and we laugh about that. But that job gave me an opportunity to meet the woman that I was gonna go ahead and get married to and and have two beautiful kids with. But my life at that point really was not a whole lot different than it was at IU and at at at uh after school. I kept doing the same behavior, but I I probably modified it a little bit so that it was maybe three or four nights a week, and um, and I was finding a way not to get in trouble. So alcohol was working at this point. Um, I was having fun. Um we we were we were dating, got pretty serious, and uh got to the point where it was time to get married, and she said, Well, what do you want to do with your life? You know, you're you're good at this bill collecting thing. I'm sure you're you know you could do that the rest of your life, but I don't think that's really what your best and highest use would be. And I had some buddies that were in the mortgage business, and I'd see them out in Broaderville, and they always had money in their pocket and they were they were doing well. And I'm like, that's really what I'd like to do. I was good with math, good with people. And she uh she said, Well, why don't you do it? And I was like, Well, you know, it's it's it's a commission-only job, and I worked so hard at IU, I think I'm entitled to have some type of a salary for my hard work. And she looked at me and she said, You know, if you're gonna do this, this is probably the time to do it. So we had we had actually bought a house before we got married, and um, and she was very supportive and said, Why don't you go do it? So got into the mortgage business. Um, you know, the the the guy that hired me um uh who he he passed away during COVID, he was a wonderful man. But he told me I needed to go make friends with realtors and I could take them out and entertain them, take them to ball games and take them drinking. And I'm thinking, you know, I'm pretty well qualified for that type of situation. So found pretty quick success in that business and and really and liked it and was doing well. Um and uh it just kind of led to me doing more and more and more of the same because we go to the conferences, it'd be, you know, you get there, you get your drink on. Um but because I was doing well, nobody was gonna say I had a problem. It it it was it was working, right? I was one of those functioning alcoholics, which I laugh at when I think about now. So started to have a family. Um we my my daughter Abby was born in 1999. Uh Andrew was born 14 months later in 2000. We found out that going to concerts caused having kids, so we went, we quit going to concerts. Um but life looked good, right? I had I had you know more cars in the garage than drivers, more bathrooms than people with pee. Um, what on earth could be wrong with my life at that point? Um But all of a sudden my my behavior started to change, right? I don't know if anybody's ever heard this, but my my I started to adjust my moral standards to the behavior that I was practicing. And I started to become that guy that was doing things that I wouldn't have wanted to run around with that guy. And I used to, I used to um I used to tell my, I'd call my wife and say, I'm gonna meet some clients for a drink. And I I had every intention to meet clients for a drink. And I I'd go meet them and then I I wouldn't pick up the phone and I'd have six voicemails from Kim that progressively went from, hey, I'm gonna put dinner on the table, let me know how close you are, to hey, I'm putting dinner in the in the microwave, let me know which time you'll be home, to hey, just give me a call, make sure you're okay. And then that, you know, it kept escalating to, hey, just let me know you're not you didn't wrap yourself around a tree. And I meant to go and have one drink with those people. And when I finally got here, and and a friend, a friend of mine named Pete, who I had met um at my neighbor's house, he um he had moved here from California and my neighbor built houses, and so he wanted me to meet him. And I walked across the street after playing golf with a half gallon of rum and a two-liter of Diet Coke and uh and meet Pete and say, Hey Pete, can I get you a drink? And he says, No, I don't drink. And and that seemed like an odd thing for someone to say. And so I said, What are you a quitter? And he said, No, he he he he just kind of let it go. But pretty quickly after I found out he'd been sober 15 years, he kind of shared a little bit of his story, but he never once preached to me. We became good friends, we golfed together, our kids did stuff together. My Andrew was sitting in first grade at the at the school, right next to his son Cole on the first day of school, right? I mean, just all these little things start showing up. And so when I finally got to that point that alcohol wasn't working anymore, um, and that looked like a trip to um a trip to Hawaii, one of those company awards trips. And um I I never, I grew up Catholic, I never ever gave up drinking for Lent because I just knew I wasn't gonna do it, right? So why blatantly lie to this God that my mother said rosaries to every day? And that that that Lent, I went across the street to my neighbors and got high every day for 40 days. The problem was Lent's a little bit longer than that, and I was gonna go to Hawaii for one of these rah-rah trips, and I knew what that was gonna look like, so I made a deal with God that I was gonna go ahead and and kind of skate on those last four or five days of Lent and make it up on the back end. So we're drinking we're flying to Hawaii, and my wife has been dealing with the you know, two under three years old, right? And on the plane, she says, Don't leave me. Now, by this point, my moral behavior had changed to where there were some things that she might have thought I might leave over. And I said to her, No, honey, of course I won't leave you. And she says, No, I mean, when we get there, I'd like to spend some time with you. You know, we were I'm busy with these kids, you're busy with work, we never get to see each other. It'd be great to spend some time with you. And I said, Absolutely. I I I totally want to do that. And sure enough, we get to the hotel, the the room's not ready, and they send us down to the swim up bar area, and I say, honey, I'm gonna go get us a couple drinks. I swim over there, and I meet meet ran into a couple guys from from another part of the country that I knew them, and I said, Honey, I'll be back in 15 minutes. Six or seven hours later, I finally get up to the room, and she's getting ready for the dinner, and I look at the I look at her through the mirror, and she had that look on her face of which was the same thing I felt inside. You you you really couldn't do what you said you were gonna do. That was that was not my last drink, but that was the last drinking trip. Um so back to back to I get home on Tuesday from that trip, and and the trip out, usually when you're going west, isn't so bad, but the trip back sucks. And I and I had partied pretty hard that trip. And I remember being at my office on Tuesday morning and just breaking down at my desk, and I called my friend Pete, and I said, I think I need help. Um, and Pete was awesome. He uh he was out of town, but he said, Hey, can you get online and I'll help you find a meeting? And he explained a little bit about meetings. He said, I'd also like to get a big book tonight at the meeting. Um, and and then when you get the big book, call me and I'll I'll walk you through what to do. So I I go to a meeting that night. It was um it was a Tuesday night, uh Tuesday night at um 75th in Allisonville, the Ivy Hills meeting over there off of Allisonville Road. And I grew up at 56 in Allisonville. So I driven by this church, you know, thousand times in my life. And I I walk into the meeting, I'm in a suit, and these guys are there, they they were very excited to see me. Um these new guys found a newcomer, and I I said, hey, I need to get a big book, and and they found me a book book, and I all I had is a hundred dollar bill, and they were like, you know, why don't you go ahead and just pay that forward someday? And um and I sat down in that meeting and it was a speaker meeting. And the guy that gave his lead, Kevin C, uh, went to my high school and he shared my story. I mean, it was unbelievable. And so I leave that meeting and I I called Pete from the parking lot and I said, You're not gonna believe this. But the guy that gave the lead was, you know, went to my high school and totally could relate to it. And he just kind of chuckled and said, Yeah, that sometimes works like that. And he said, Well, did you get a big book? And I said, Yes. He said, Well, I want you to go home and read the first 164 pages or start on that. And he said, But do me a favor and start with the pages before page one in the big book, you know, the IXXV or whatever. Now, I'd never read any of those pages because why would you read those pages? They're not important. But I did read them, and I read the part about the doctor's opinion. And it says, We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action on of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy, that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all. And once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and they become astonishly difficult to solve. That made sense, right? Remember that drink I was gonna go have with a client and I was gonna have one drink, and I really thought I was gonna go have one drink, and I couldn't do it? Because I put that alcohol in my body and it kicked off that phenomenon of gravy. There was no I had no chance of having one drink. I did it every once in a while, but I was bitter and mad and angry whenever I had to do that. But it goes on to talk about then we've got a mental obsession that tells us despite all the things that we've tried over and over and over that didn't work, we think that we can do it again. And that's why I'm here tonight, right? That's why I still come to meetings. When I don't put alcohol in my body, that phenomenon of craving can't kick in. Right? I used to think I had to worry about the tenth drink or the the the eighth drink or whatever. I today only have to worry about that first drink. And I only have to worry about doing that one day at a time. And sometimes I only have to worry about doing that an hour at a time. And sometimes it's five minutes at a time, and there were times that it was it was thinking about it every minute. But if I avoid that first drink, then I don't have to deal with the stuff that comes after that first drink. You know, today I can walk through Kroger, I've yet to have a bottle jump off the shelf and unscrew its cap and pour down my throat. I would have to participate in that. And today I don't want to do that. But I still have a mind that tells me I should be able to get something for nothing. That I should be able to get whatever I want whenever I want. That I that I live with a wife who's wonderful to me, but I should, I still don't need to necessarily check in with her and tell her what's going on and share what's going on in my life. So I still have this mind that has the ism. And in sobriety, I've had other isms pop up. I had a gambling problem five or six years ago that that you know was awful. Um how I how I avoided drinking through that, I don't know. I do know. God, God gave me grace and helped me through that. But um ultimately I had to find a way to stop that behavior, just like I had to find a way to stop drinking, right? I am the one that has to choose to not take that first drink. And I found a way to do that by going to meetings. I went to a lot of meetings early on. Uh Pete and I would were talking, and I said, Hey, I've I'm hearing this thing about 90 meetings in 90 days. And um he said, You know, Ted, that's not in the big book because he was really big about it's, you know, it's It's in the black print of the big book. And if I've if he said, if I say something you can't find in the black print of the big book, then you don't have to follow it. But he said, But you know what? That might be a good idea for a guy like you. And so I started going to a meeting every day. They had meetings up at Suburban North Club at 5:30 on Monday nights, Wednesday nights, and thir and Friday nights, and they had a six o'clock meeting on Tuesday and Thursdays. And that was the time that I would normally make my drink at the office, fill up my little, you know, big moose cup of coke, and and I would I would head out to where I was going to go meet whoever I was going to meet. So that time of day was what I don't want to say was a trigger. It was just that time of day. That's what I did. So having a place to go to really helped me a lot, right? Um and that's where I learned a lot about my alcoholism. I'd I'd hear people saying things like, there was a guy that was talking about sitting in a in a in a closet at his house with a gun to his head, thinking about taking his life. And I thought, man, you know, that never I never got to that place. And then during that meeting, I thought about all those nights that I'd drive home from those meetings with those clients. And I would see a tree and I would think, you know what? If I wrapped this car around that tree, my wife and kids would be better off without me and they'd have the insurance money. I'm no different than that guy sitting in that closet with a gun to his head. I heard a guy talk about having six DUIs. Now, when I got sober, we didn't have this Uber or Lyft thing, right? But six DUIs. And I'm thinking to myself, wow, why wouldn't you just stop? Why wouldn't you get a cab? Whatever. But during that meeting, I thought about 10 different times that I should have gotten a DUI that had been pulled over by the police and had enough booze in my system that I could have qualified for a DUI. And I got one when I was down in Bloomington. And all of a sudden it made sense to me that that guy's no different than me. Maybe he just had a little more bad luck than I had. And today I don't even know it was bad luck or good luck. I kind of choose to let God do with what with those behaviors that he needs to. But when I, you know, when I'm gonna get into steps a little bit here. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. I mean, from the outside, my life looked pretty good. And I wanted you to think it looked pretty good. And honestly, I think I thought it was going pretty good. I didn't realize some of the pain I was causing people. I didn't understand the pain that it that I was putting my wife in. You know, I didn't understand that I was stealing her peace of mind. Somebody asked me if I was a thief once, and I I could remember the time I stole the Playboys, right? I remember being um being seven years old with my twin brother. And we're fraternal twins, but when we were little, they dressed us alike and we looked close enough alike that that they could people couldn't tell us apart. And we were at Linder's Ice Cream at 62nd in Allisonville. I mean, I can see that I can see through the plate gas window right now, and I had stolen a Snickers bar, and I saw the the cashier talking to my mother and looking out in the parking lot, and I knew I was caught, so I put the Snickers bar in my brother's pocket, and he got whooped for stealing a candy bar from that store. Now that's behavior again at seven years old. This had nothing to do with me drinking, but this had me had to do with me getting something that I wanted without having to pay for it. Well, that was the same shit I was doing to my wife, pardon my French. Right? I'm gonna go do what I want to do. I'm gonna go get the recognition of the Adelaides, and I'm gonna go ahead and get home when I get home. So I knew I was powerless over alcohol a long time before I quit drinking. I I I I could see that. I I knew it at school, and when I went to that alcohol class, a lot of that stuff resonated, but I didn't see where life was unmanageable. I was starting to see where that was. I was starting to see how my behaviors were not were not those that I would want to teach my son to be, um, and that I was raised to be. So Pete and I started working the steps. I I actually I reached out to Pete probably two and a half weeks into going to meetings and said, Hey, I keep hearing about this sponsor stuff. Um, you know, hey, I'd like for you to be my sponsor. And Pete was very reluctant to say yes to that. And he said, Let me let me get back to you on that. And I kind of hung up the phone, kind of like, man, I'm I'm hearing at these meetings that we're supposed to help people. Why wouldn't Pete help me? Why wouldn't he want to help me with this stuff? And he and we we were we we met the next day, and um and he said, All right, I I'll sponsor you, but I want you to understand a few things. He said, You know, my job as a sponsor is to walk you through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the only qualification I have for being able to do that is I was so jacked up in my own life that I had to ask another man to walk me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I get to continue to stay sober if I'm helping other people do the same thing. But all I can do is hold the ladder. You've got to do the work. And I said, I'm willing. And I was willing at that point. And I said, Well, Pete, what why did you take a while to respond? He goes, Because I know that the odds of people getting sober and Alcoholics Anonymous is not great. And I know your family. He knew my wife by that point, he knew my kids, and he he wanted to make sure that he could be there to support them if it didn't work out for me. And I don't know that I fully understood that until much later. Um, but I'm grateful that he said yes. So I asked him what we're gonna do. He said, Well, this is the way I was taken through the steps. Uh, he had me get a 12 and 12. And um, by by this point, by the way, I read the I read the first hundred and sixty-four pages. Um, I I I mean, I read my story in those pages. I could see myself showing up in those in those pages. And um, and he was he was he could tell I was serious, right? I think anybody who's worked with other people can kind of tell when they're serious or not. Doesn't mean you can tell if they're gonna stay sober or not, but you can tell if they're gonna do a little bit of the work. And so he said, well, let's meet before our Wednesday night meeting, because Wednesday nights was his home group. It's still my home group today. We're at uh Guy's Christian Church at 8 o'clock on Wednesday nights if anybody's looking for a good meeting. And um, and we would meet an hour and a half before the meeting, and we would work through a step. So that first week we went through step one. Um he had me do some writing on step one. That the second week um we talked about came to believe in a power greater than a power that came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Well, I grew up Catholic, right? So I understood this God concept, but I also knew that the God that I'd been praying to and my mom had introduced me to was watching me and keeping track of all the sins that I was doing and was going to someday call me out on all that stuff. And to be honest with you, that was not a power that I really was interested in getting to know all that well. And he said to me, he said, Well, what would you like that power to look like? And we just talked about that stuff. And he helped me kind of understand that I could have my own conception of that power. And I think that's what, and I noticed a lot of the times they said power and and uh, you know, providence, they they capitalized that first word, which I knew from growing up that that meant they were referring to to God. But I was okay with God enough and with some tweaks I could make to my understanding of that relationship that I could move forward. I didn't like that second part that said restore us to sanity, right? Because I didn't really think I was insane. But if you look at my behavior and you continue to do the same things over and over and hope for different results, that's that's insanity. And he and it wasn't so much him helping me see the insanity, it was being in meetings with other alcoholics. Um, there was a six o'clock meeting at Suburban North Club on six o'clock in the morning on Saturday mornings, and I was not ready to give up golfing yet. I liked golf, so I figured I needed to go to a meeting a day because I made that commitment to to him, but I also made it to myself. And so I'd get up early, go to that meeting, and at that meeting I met a guy, Tom C. Tom passed away two years ago. Um, but he told a story about he would get drunk after work downtown at his right by his office, and he would call a tow truck, and he would ride in the passenger seat of the tow truck while the tow truck towed his car home so that he could get home without getting a DUI and have his car there in the morning. And I remember thinking, that is genius. And then maybe, maybe my mind doesn't work like other people. However, you're all laughing at that, so maybe it does work for us. Um so I started I started to understand that that, yeah, there is some insan insanity in my life. And so then we work on step three the following week, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Um by this point, I'm you know, I'm ready. I I'm I'm willing to do that. Um we did the third step prayer at the chapel there at uh at Fishers United Methodist Church, because that's where it was back then. Um and we got on our knees and there were five or there might have been eight or nine guys there. I uh I remember Joe Joe McDonald was there, and and uh uh you know, we did that. And and then ironically, that weekend I had a wedding to go to. And you know, you go to a meeting when you got a wedding coming up, and you say, Oh, I'm going to a wedding, I'm a little nervous about that because first time I'm going to a wedding is sober. And and someone would say something like, Well, get it, you know, get a Diet Coke and put a straw in it and a lime in it, and always keep it full, nobody will mess with you, right? Some some really good practical advice that that like worked, and I'm grateful for that. But we're driving to the wedding, um, and and I my wife said, Yeah, you okay with this? And I said, Yeah, I said, you know, uh we may have to leave after a little while if uh if I feel antsy. And she and I said, Well, where is the wedding anyway? Because I never would read that stuff. And she said, I you know, it's uh it's somewhere off of 116th Street. It's it's uh it's uh Fisher's United Methodist Church. And I, you know, and I called Pete, and I'm like, You're not gonna believe this, Pete, but what a coincidence. And he just smiled and laughed as he usually did. Um and God got me through that wedding. And I actually had a good time. My daughter was three or four, and I danced with my daughter. No, she was well, she was sixth at that point. So I danced with my daughter and they were having fun, and and you know, we didn't stay till the end. But one thing I noticed while I was there is people weren't drinking like I drank at weddings. People were actually there for the wedding to celebrate this beautiful thing called marriage, right? Um so then we we we meet, go through that third step, um, and it was a beautiful April day, and we get done, and he says, All right, well, now we're to the four step. And I had heard enough about the four step in meetings, and I'd hear the people that weren't doing it, and I'd hear the old timers yell at those people for not doing it. You know, I'm working on my four step, and they'd say, Well, that means you're not doing it. So I kind of I was ready to do it. I'd read ahead far enough to know what it what it meant. Um, but he gave me two weeks to get that four step written. And like any good alcoholic, I waited until that 13th night and pulled out, pulled out the book and and called Pete and said, I don't know what to do. And he said, Well, why don't you open the big book to the part about Mr. Brown and Mrs. Brown? And and he walked me through that. Um But he didn't he didn't tell me to go get a four-step guide. He told me to get a piece of paper and do the lines down the paper and and go down the columns and uh and then and then leave the fourth column blank, he told me. We'll we'll talk about that tomorrow. So I did that. You know, I don't think I sat down more than maybe an hour, hour and a half, and and he was real big about pencil to paper. He said, You're sick, you need to hear the lead on the paper. And when I do inventory today, I still try to pull out pencil to paper. Um but I but I went through there and and an amazing thing happened. My my my pencil just started to flow. It was almost like I wasn't even holding it. And it just took me to some places I had no idea it was going to take me. Took me to some people that I had no idea it was gonna take me to. And I wrote down all these people I've got resentments at. And then I went down the second column and and and you know, what what what was what happened and the third column about you know what character defect did it involve or what did it affect in me. And, you know, it was probably three pages worth of paper. It wasn't it wasn't the biggest list in the world. Um, but I I did it as thoroughly as I could. And so we met the next day. It was a beautiful day, much like today. Uh we were over at 106th in Cumberland Road at the soccer park there, and we're sitting on a bench, and um I start going through it with him, and and he gets to that fourth column. And the first one on there was my mom, right? Now, my mom worked three jobs. She was a kindergarten teacher. Um, she would dip ice cream at Baskin Robbins at night, and then she sold short-term disability insurance, all trying to get the four of us kids through um through through Catholic high schools, which we all graduated from Catholic high schools and um and through college, and we all have uh at least a two-year degree. Um, and and my dad, my dad was still around financially, but he was um he my mother really didn't want him involved in our lives much. So um so she it was not easy for her. Um and she was the first one on my list. And Pete helped me as he walked through what was she mad about? And I well, you know, I I usually come home drunk from school or get home late from work and be drunk and whatever all that stuff was. And he helped me understand that, well, what did she really want from me? You know, my mom wanted me to be a good kid, to be a good young man and and be a good husband to his wife, um, and and to be a good member of the society that we live in, maybe even go to church a little bit, right? And I didn't want to do those things because they weren't near as fun as the stuff that I wanted to do. And my mom worried about me. That woman prayed for me daily for my whole life. And so I started to understand that, you know what, I did have some behavior that was affecting that relationship. And we went down the other names on the list, and same thing, right? He kept finding my part in it to the point that I could actually finish that fourth column without him having to ask me for it. And I realized that every relationship problem that I had, I had some part of, um, which is I think really important for us to do if we're gonna be able to grow in this program. So we get done with that four-step or the fifth step. I was kind of surprised. I didn't know I was gonna be doing the fifth step, but he listened to it. And he also shared some things with me about a farm and a goat and a sheep, and and I felt much better about myself. Um but I I I started to realize that I could share this stuff with another man and have him look at me and go, yeah, I did that too, or yeah, you're not unique. So all these things that I was holding on to, I didn't need to hold on to anymore. Um so we get done with that, and and and he talks about you know in the book here. I think I've got it here. Well, there are a couple things. When we get done with that third step, in the book, it talks about next, we launched out on a course of rigorous action, the first step of which is a personal house cleaning. Now, I don't know about you all, but next and launched and vigorous, not real confusing to me about when I'm supposed to start that four step. And I'm really grateful that I was around men. Larry was at that meeting, those meetings early on in my sobriety, that that they believe that you don't dilly-dally with this stuff. You get going, you get moving on it. So we did that, we did that work, um, learned that I was a scared little boy. And then it talks about returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. Carefully reviewing what we have done, we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Taking this book down from the shelf, we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if have we omitted anything? For we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? And then it goes on to say, if we can answer to our satisfaction when we look at step six, we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove these all of these things from us which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take all of them, every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we then ask God to help us be willing. When ready, we say something like this My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Then we have completed step six. So I'm feeling pretty good, right? We're moving along. Um, we were reading through the 12 and 12, and the 12 and 12 does a great job of getting a whole lot more detail about step six, but I had to become willing to have God remove these things. And then it goes on to say in the next paragraph, when ready, or I'm sorry, uh now I just read that. That's the prayer, step seven. So now I'm done with seven, too, right? But this is where I've got to start changing. Um, and and we looked at those defects on that four step, and and and you know, it became clear to me that that behavior was no longer going to be acceptable if I was going to live the life that I think that God wants me to live. But we didn't stop there, right? We we kind of kept moving. And and and I think I might have been a little confused on step six and seven that you kind of just could check it off and be done with it. I'm so grateful that over the years I've had people introduce me to the book Um Drop the Rock. Um, I've done workshops with guys about that book and learned a whole lot more about step six and seven because it is um it's something that I will never stop dealing with. I unless I am struck inhuman, which I hope not to be struck in human because I'll be dead, I am going to deal with stuff by default sometimes. And my the only way I'm gonna reset those defaults or or get back into the better place is to be able to practice step six and seven. But now we're at step eight and and met with Pete and we we wrote out uh I wrote out the list, most of which came from the four step. Um but then it talks about redoubling our effort and looking at those who we have harmed. See what time it is. Okay. So looking at those who we've harmed. And that's when Pete looked at that list, and there were some names on there I'd put down that I wanted to make amends to. Some gals that I hadn't seen for a while. And he crossed through those names and said, you know what, they're doing just fine without you. Why don't you go ahead and leave those off? You, you know, there may be a day that you you can do those, but it's not gonna be today. Uh but I went to my mom, made my direct amends to my mom. Um, she was wonderful. She just wanted her son to be to be safe. Um, went through those amends, had many, many amends that I couldn't make right away that that started popping up in life later on. And and every time that would happen, I'd I'd pray about it. I'd reach out to Pete. He'd tell me that, you know, what's your motive in doing it? And we'd we'd I'd go to the people and let them know I'd wronged them and what can I do to make it right. And and and really they were they were all met with pretty good, pretty good uh response. Uh my sister Alice, though, the one that called me at the bar and said I ought to come home. Um I think I was sober six years before I realized how that had bothered me so badly. And I went to her and and talked with her about making amends and what I had done. And she looked at me and she said, I have no idea what you're talking about. But obviously, if there's something that you're holding on to that I can help you would be unburdened from, I would, you know, I'm okay and there's nothing you need to change for me. Um, my brother, he had a stroke two and a half years ago, and I went out and lived, you know, stayed with him for a month while he was getting through some recovery stuff. Uh, and I got to make amends for stealing that candy bar and putting in his pocket. He had no idea what I was talking about. But I'd been carrying that stuff around, right? So these amends are how I clean up my side of the street. And I needed to make sure that I don't harm them or others, right? And I talked with Pete a lot about my wife. How do I make amends for the behavior that I was practicing as a as a husband that shouldn't have been doing? And he said, Have you stopped the behavior? And I said, Yeah. He said, Then you need to live every day like the husband that you think God wants you to be. And I try to do that today. Um, but I'm I'm gonna fall short, right? And so step 10, which continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I I hadn't been taking a personal inventory until I mean I did it a lot early on, and I had a buddy and challenge me to read the 10-step for 30 days or 31 days back in October early in recovery. But I I had stopped doing that 10-step inventory. And and about a month ago, um, I got to give a uh uh the 12-step at Fatima. And I was really down on myself because I've not I would not say my my my spiritual life has been as strong as it could be. But I started to do that 10-step list, and I started to remember that it's not all in red ink, and I started to see that most of my day is filled with pretty good stuff that I think God's pretty good with. And the stuff where I'm falling short, it was pretty clear what I needed to work on to get better at that. So there's some tools that God gives us to be able to get better with this stuff. There is one line I want to read because this really helped with my mom. My mom uh I made my amends to my mother. Um she had COPD, and um while I was still drinking, she was at Community North. Um, she should have, should, she probably should have died. My sisters and I all met. We didn't really fully understand her do not resuscitate order. Um, and she she ended up living through that. And um, but I remember getting getting high and drinking in the parking garage before I went in to see her. Um and by the time I got sober, or after I got sober, she lived another eight years. And when it was time for her to pass, I was on my knees holding her hands in prayer at the hospital while she took her last breath. And I was the son that she she wanted me to be. And that's a direct result of this program and working these steps. But I struggled a lot with mom. And the there's a line here, and I had an alcoholic call me the other day who was struggling with his dad, and I read this to him, uh, page 92. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong. And then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it's pointless to become angry or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. You know? Um I like that it says people like me, because I'm the hardest, harshest critic on myself. I'm the one that knows the things I'm doing wrong or I'm thinking wrong about. And and when I can treat myself with my my wife says it often, put down the hammer, you know, pick up a feather and beat yourself with the feather. Because I I can be really hard on myself and I can put myself in that miserable place. And and today I'm aware of that, and I think I'm getting better at it over the last month and a half. I've had some sponsees kind of reverse the tables on me and walk me through some things that I needed to hear from them about some good characteristics that I have, and I'm grateful for that stuff. Um, I like to help other people, right? The this 11th step, we we continue to um we saw through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood them, praying only knowledge for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out. Um, I start every day with the third-step prayer, the seven-step prayer, the 11-step prayer, and the serenity prayer in the long form. And I laminated them on a piece of paper. It sticks on my shower in the morning because I take a shower every morning and I say those prayers every day. Uh my wife has never asked me to take those prayers out of the shower. Um, it helps me remember that I'm an alcoholic and I still have work to do and I still need God to help me do it. Um, and then and then the 12th step, I try to practice these principles in all my affairs. Um today I tried to outserve my wife. We were on the couch watching the president's club for the whole afternoon, and I tried to get her beverage whenever she needed it and cooked her some food and tried to be of service to her because God knows she's done enough of that for me over the over the years. Um but today, you know, service work. I I I've worked with other alcoholics. Um I I've done some work with recovery homes. I've been a GSR, I've been an intergroup rep, I've been a great brand rep. I've I've gone to Fatima Retreat over the years and the retreat in Cleveland. Um I I've tried to stay very involved serving other people. And it's not always just alcoholics. I do some work on them for a healthcare system here in town. Um, but God has given me more than I could have ever, ever imagined that He could give me. And and so for me to spend an hour having a cup of coffee with somebody who's struggling, um, usually what it does is it gets me out of myself. Because usually about the time that phone rings with somebody else with a problem, is while I think that the small problem I have is some big massive problem. And God knows exactly how to get me out of myself. So grateful to be here tonight. Thanks for letting me share. That's all I got.